I was back from work, looking at positive things. Hoping that all those grey clouds would blow away, and tings will turn great with a trip. Had it planned, a pick-up, some work to be done, a trip to the beach, and then dinner somewhere nice… but yeah… It’s gone and buried. Despite a positive start to March, things turned sour. Don’t know where it actually started, but it’s going in that path.
This blog has seen way too much of my depression. I’ve been way too personal. At some point, I think those under me are sort of like suffering too, because I have become ‘heartless’, and more ‘hard headed’ in implementing my ‘rules and regulations’. Pitty them, but I see myself transforming slowly. I realize it, but I can’t help it. I think, some are starting to dislike my new policies… but I think it’s for the better good. Don’t know how they feel.
Born as the eldest, I am always the first in getting my hands on things. I can say that I felt everything first before my siblings. Enjoyed the strict rules adhered by my parents which include time to play, time to watch TV, time to sleep, time to eat etc. etc.. And I have grown sticking to many of those rules till today simply because they benefit me. When I work, I work my ass out. When I play, I play till I’m too tired to continue.. You get my drift. I do things in that way, with a full sense of wholeness and completion when you do something. I never regard doing something half-heartedly as good. Is either I’m in, or I’m out. Never in-between.
My relationships with friends and close ones are also the same. I have little friends, because I don’t like having friends which are just there when you are having fun. I dislike sharing, so that may explain why I always click with the ones I love, and try to give them whatever I can. Hey, it’s me… I’d do anything if I know that someone will always have my back. I did mention this in a tag I previously did.. stating “Would sacrifice anything I can, to make the ones I love happy“, because I find my personal happiness when I look at those I love happy.
In work, I do the things I enjoy and can commit too. There was this incident last year, where some of the seniors in Scouts didn’t like me meddling in the affairs of ‘their Scouts’, saying I was biased, misusing power, and trying to bring them down, when the fact was, I was just trying to instill discipline in Scouts by asking them to wear the uniform properly, and using shoes for camping… but hey, they disapproved, so I choose out, than to have more confrontations. I committed myself to my Robotics Team, and hell.. they became the best team in Kuching/Samarahan!!
So, when I am placed in a situation where I am second to something/someone, I find it difficult to accept it. I find it just downgrading, and depressing, and painful. I am not used to be someone whom is less important to someone. It brings the worst out of me. I feel betrayed and very much sad and frustrated. Then, anger will be take over, and sadness will overcome any good news.
At some point, I do feel that I am worthless. Nothing. Zit. Zero. Nada. Bo. But that’s a feeling. It goes and it comes, and I remain standing… gripping to what I can, who I can…
Sometimes, my mind tells me that I am not important. Insignificant. Nobody… to those around me. It’s majorly due the conflicts on what I think, and what others think. I make decisions on what I think would make others happy, but sometimes, they don’t see it that way, thinking that they should make me happy instead by ignoring what I want. But I will be happy to see them happy… Hmm, See the conflict?
Urgghh… I’m not hating anyone, because hate is a strong word. I’m not cursing anyone, because cursing is not good. I’m not disliking anyone because there is no point to that.
But I will say these words again, just like I said it somewhere in my post here before: “Sometimes, I give my best.. my very best… but I guess my very best is not enough“, especially when you finally realize, you are only playing a second fiddle to something/someone more significant than you.
Does life suck?? NOPE. Life’s great… it’s me that suck… I need some asprin. I’ll be staying home till the sun rises again tomorrow.