A week into February.. and the hope to have a pleasant month after a emotional January seems to be fading away really fast. What was I thinking? Romantic February? Such crap seems so darn hard to come by when it keeps on raining, and things keep cropping up, despite you trying your very best to keep it at bay.
The best part of it, for me… I guess is the fact I have not been sleeping well since Monday. That would make it 4 straight days of lack of sleep during the night, and during the day… Not that I don’t sleep. I do fall asleep at about 3-4am during these few days, but it wouldn’t be sound. I’d wake up, as if being awaken by my own snore, or because of an unknown reason…with a certain feel of discomfort in my throat, nose and mouth…then, I’d sleep back again, and wake up a few minutes later.. experiencing the same thing, and sometimes wondering where I am, when I wake up. Don’t ask me “WHY??“, because your guess is as good as mine. I know shit about what’s going on.
I’d admit, I’m doing this post with little to none happiness in my heart. With so much sore, that being knocked by a bus would be painless. I think, if the ceiling came down on me tonight, I’d feel nothing, but be very thankful to God for helping me relieve my self inflicted pain.
It took me a single moment today, to start thinking… Thinking of the SMALL DETAILS, the BIG DETAILS... thinking of MY MISTAKES, MY FLAWS….. EVERYTHING… and now, I’m pretty much as confused as a spinning top.
These questions comes to mind… “Why does it always bite me?” “Why do somethings, just always re-surface?” So many WHY‘s.. and so little BECAUSE‘s…. I think I have done all I can. I’ve even dumped myself to the lowest ever point in life… but still… that’s not enough. I still receive frowns, and I still see unhappy faces… and I still unexpectedly… bump into un-wanted things which should have been gone so long ago, Bethlehem would seem like it’s in the present…
Val’s day is in 9 days. Couples exchange gifts, and go for romantic dinners during Val’s day. Restaurants and florist, and shops charge extra for everything related to LOVE. Even the fortune teller on the sidewalk would charge you an extra buck to hold your hand and predict the future.
But those are not important. This Valentine, I do not seek any gifts, I do not want anything material. All I want is to see those close to me happy. Valentine’s day means nothing without happiness of those close to you… and if I have done my very best, and still fail to achieve that… I feel like I’m a total failure. Nonetheless, I guess I’m wrong that I culd change the world, and that you can live at the utmost present. Because it seems that sometimes, you just got to live in the presence of the past, and accept that you can’t change the world no matter how hard you try…..
So far, 2009 does seen discouraging…especially with the rain and the wet weather.